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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Still changing

Tonight is one of those nights I do not want to go to bed. It has been such a fun day. I realized in Open Share group tonight that my emotions have indeed finally caught up to the moment. I now feel things as whatever is making me feel them is happening. It is a little odd and distressing. At 29 years and 363 days, I get to actually start learning what to do with my emotions besides run away and deal with them when no one is around. It is a bit weird.

Within the last few days someone said to me, “Laura got so mad on Sunday. It was so cute.” When did I start to let people know I was mad? On the upside it apparently was cute. It is a little weird though because now when people do things to me or say things that make me sad they know I am sad. It is a bit weird. It is going to be a hard adjustment to let people that far into my heart. But it is a story of recovery, what can I do but keep living it?

I am struggling with feeling vulnerable. People seeing my feelings makes me feel really vulnerable. Also I have been facing a lot of tough things in my own recovery. I have quit drinking entirely. I had water at my birthday party last night. Which actually has nothing to do with anything. I am just whining. The last few weeks working through this dreams series at church has been really hard on me. It is tough to see my childhood in an even darker light than previously. Though it is not just my childhood, but my own brokenness.

I just had a conversation with myself in the mirror. I sin sinned today. Like willfully. Honestly, it wasn’t something that is going to get me kicked out of heaven (because no sin except blasphemy of the Holy Spirit does). It is not something that makes me break any sobriety issues, but it was something that sickens me to my stomach. I am honestly utterly disgusted by myself right now. But to move on.

I experienced God today in incredible ways. I am so excited to see what He is going to do in this city. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our sins from us!

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. – Psalm 103:11-12

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