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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Stepping out of Denial

Sunday – 9:00 pm

Today started out really rough. I just felt alone again. I do not know what is up with this. I have not felt this alone in a long time except on Wednesday. I feel isolated in a roomful of people who I intellectually know love me. I cried after church today because I felt so lonely. My feelings have nothing to do with my experience. I do not know what my issue is. It certainly has nothing to do with how much I love the people around me or they love me!!

I ended up getting out of this emotional funk with a few reality checks about the amazing relationships in my life. Look at the text messages and emails. People love you. So does God, but so do people. One would think I could remind myself of actual verbal conversations I had with people to do the trick, but I never find my memory as convincing as something written in black and white.

So then I decided to actually start reading Life’s Healing Choices by John Baker today. A book on CR’s 8 principles. I have had it for over six months now. I have tried to start reading it over the last two months, but it was just too painful. I kept setting it back down because it was too much work and I did not have the emotional energy for it at that time. But today, I had little to do except talk to God and eventually spend a few hours working. So I had plenty of time for a little emotional work.

It was incredibly well-timed reading. Last night, i was excited to be taking steps 9-12 for the next very long time. Today I made the choice in Principle 1 and realized I was not God. The nice thing about the book is it is worded and explained in a slightly different way than the CR resources I have already read. So I feel like I am hearing things for the first time.

Clearly, if we realized we are not God, we must have thought we were God before we realized this. I never really thought about this before. Baker talks about “playing God”. How do we do this? By trying to control our image, other people, our problems and our pain. Oh, that explains my issues with leadership. I am trying to control my image, my problems and my pain. I decided to fully participate in the book-reading experience, and I did all the journaling it requested.

Then Baker proceeds to explain what playing God results in: fear, frustration, fatigue and failure. Yea, especially the first two and the last one. Back to step 1. I want to have more freedom. I will go through these steps again.

I wonder what my week will be like this week if I continually remember to quit trying to play God?

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:

“Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me.

“Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone— while the morning stars sang together and all the angelsa shouted for joy? – Job 38:1-7

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