I woke up quite well today. I even felt optimism. I do not see myself as a naturally optimistic person. Life was probably looking up because I was focused on my week instead of trying to solve the next four years of my life.
I contemplated several things today. One that no matter where I am invited I tend to assume that the hosts either felt a social obligation to invite me or decided to invite me because I do not have family within a thousand miles. They merely felt sorry for me. I did struggle with this some at the wedding. I really never understand why anyone would invite me into anywhere. If I would just let go of this and understanding why, I reckon I could rejoice in the invitation and feel the love of being included.
I considered at length whether loving someone and protecting oneself were mutually exclusive actions. I am considering entering into another risky loving situation, which coincidentally does not involve men. It involves finances and other more basic parts of life. I contemplated what were the worse things that could happen. I thought about what standard advice would say as an answer to the life decision I was making.
As I contemplated the advice that has been given to me tons of times, I realized the advice said one thing, “Protect yourself first. Do not take risks. People are not worth it. Value yourself first. Be safe.” That is five things. When I realized this, I realized I was going to die of boredom if I followed standard loving advice. I broke the same rules a year ago and was repaid a thousand fold for the risk I took. Now I figure this time I might get burnt; but at least I tried. Then I continued to contemplate whether one could love without taking risks.
All the time I was contemplating these things, I was putting into practice a realization I had either Saturday, Sunday or this morning. (Sorry, I think too much to keep track of when thoughts occur.) I realized the principle of intimacy with God that I have been talking to God about for the last few weeks could apply to other areas of my life. Said principle: If I want the goal of my life to be to know God and be known by God, then the goal of every single one of my days must be to know God and be known by God.
Today I applied it to my ministry and work life. I work four part time jobs (going on three) and am involved in two ministries. I also do creative writing for fun and hopeful future publication. I have a hypothetical order of priority for these priorities. It occurred to me over the weekend the order of my daily activities for these priorities should match the order of these priorities in the way I feel God has asked me to prioritize them. I got so much work done today on the things that matter to me most! Amazing!
Lastly, I have been having a conversation with God about how selfish I am. Ultimately, I think everything in my life has me at the center of it. I am really actually quite full of myself in my own way. One of the questions in step study asked us to number according to their priority in our lives, the following things: career, family, church, Christ, friendships, money and ministry. Naturally, we were supposed to answer with the truth, not with what we knew should be our answer. Answering questions at CR with hypothetically correct answers instead of real answers sort of removes all the value from the program.
I could not answer that question honestly because there was a category missing. I drew a line, wrote “self/self-preservation” next to it, and put a “1” on the line. Now it was honest and I could rate the rest. Someday I might just come off my own pedestal. Step down, sister, step down.
For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. – 2 Corinthians 7:10