I am really, really exhausted. I am not sure why. I am working on taking next steps in my life. I am working on stepping into the new year. I find it all a little intimidating. The transition to the new year is exhausting. I don’t want to talk about all the things that entails. I don’t want to be that vulnerable here tonight. The weird part is that the stuff bothering me shouldn’t be all that hard to talk about. Sometimes it is the weird little things that are harder to talk about than the big things.
I actually have plenty of time on my hands right now. This is really weird for me. It doesn’t matter if I have a lot of time, I am being really stingy with it. Not going out on friend dates, not helping people, not doing anything. I think I may have stretched myself too thin for a few months there. Now all I want to do is hide. Except for the fact that I worked from home all day today and that is way too much time alone. Tomorrow I do also. Somehow I have plenty of time and not enough time all at one time. I have loads of things to fill my time with if only I could manage to get myself to face them.
The next step of growth in my life just seems so draining. The next step of leadership at CR makes me wonder how I will ever have it in me to do this thing right. The next step with my writing really scares me. The next step in my personal growth has me wanting to hide underneath the table. A friend asked me why I was terrified today. I told her it was because I usually choose to cross the Red Sea instead of the Jordan. I meant the attitude of the people crossing though. God hasn’t been leading me in the desert. I am in the promised land!
I did more step four work in my evening quiet time. It was interesting because after journaling about a relationship where forgiveness has been tough, I realized the blood of Jesus was stronger than all the sins I wrote on the paper. God could redeem them in the life of the abuser and the victim – the one who sinned and the one who was sinned against. I don’t know why I think it was odd to have thought that. Isn’t it obvious? Sometimes I believe great, big theological truths but fail to actually apply them to the actual circumstances and people in my life. I believe God can save anyone and everyone, but fail to believe God is strong enough to save him or her. It is an impractical faith that deals with generalities.
Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!” – Matthew 18:21-22
Kommentare