Today has been up and down. Much better than the end of last week. Tonight I feel lonely. Just a little. I am trying to engage why I have been disconnecting before bed over the last year or so. It is not that I am totally disconnected, but it used to be a time when I really went out of the way to enjoy God. And even when I didn’t go out of the way, I just enjoyed Him. Now I feel like it is very mechanical. I don’t like to be emotional at night right now. I am not sure why. Those are really my profoundest thoughts for the day.
I think I am afraid of feeling lonely, and that is why I disconnect. Because right now, I am feeling and I feel longing for God and when I go home to Him. Maybe that is the feeling I have so often now and that is why I have said it so much on this blog – because as I retire for the night, I long to be whole. Perhaps that is why over the course of the last 4-6 weeks I have quit feeling so much more even at night because I have wearied of wanting so badly. Of longing for what I can’t have right now. Someday I will get to go home to Him. Until then, I hope I dare feeling how badly I desire Him.
But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. – Romans 8