Life is sort of interesting right now. We are working on step 10 in step study. We just finished meeting tonight. The lesson was the one where we have to write down our personal victories and failures each day, so we can begin seeing patterns in our behavior.
In spite of keeping this journal for the last seven months where I have thought about my day each night, I learned quite a bit from the unanonymous journal I kept this past week. Keeping all the names and faces and exact events was helpful. Some things I knew I just did not know they were so prevalent. I knew I struggled with being transparent. I just didn’t realize I lie lie yet. On the strength side, I am good at quiet time. I also learned that it is really hard to keep a balanced perspective reading my journal. I know I have grown tremendously in the last few years, but it is impossible to look over my journal without feeling bad about myself. Like one big failure.
Item wise I had written down about as many good things as bad things; but when I read over it, the bad things seem so much more bad than the good things seem good. I know that is why I need Jesus because my good will never outweigh my bad, but I think I was getting the impression that I was at least becoming a “good” follower of Him. In fact, my journal says I am a categorical disaster. I wonder how I started using the term categorical disaster?
Grace. It is hard to have grace for one’s self. I wish I was ready to take all the next steps. I wish I was emotionally ready to deal with all the things I need to deal with. I wish the conversation I am having with God about doing unChristian things was behind me. But it isn’t, and I am not. Some things take time.
I wish I was ready to apply principle 3 to my all my relationships. I wish I was ready to give all my relationships to “Christ’s care and control”, but I am not. I need to realize I am not God a little bit more first. I need to believe He has the power to change me a little bit more first. I sure hope by the end of the week I am ready to take the plunge. Uh, oh, next comes step four.
The definition CR gives of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. My explanation of why I keep going through the 12 steps is because I am doing the same thing over and over again and expecting deeper results. I just realized tonight this is my fourth time through the steps. Right before moving to Jersey I did a Bible study on the Beatitudes. I went down fighting on some of them. I do not fight their truth anymore; sometimes I just have a hard time applying it to my life.
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. – Matthew 5:3-12
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