I would understand if He called me to do something that did not involve people. Doesn’t He know that I have a record for really messing things up? Doesn’t He know me? Hasn’t He seen me?
I have had a mostly quiet day, but I have really been troubled this evening. I do not know entirely why. I had a conversation with God about fasting earlier today. About making it a more regular part of my life. I have always been a pretty irregular, spontaneous faster.
When I was talking to God, I was asked the question, “Why don’t you want to do it?” “Well, I don’t know if I want to keep you that much at the forefront of my mind!”
I am not sold out yet. My life still sort of revolves around me. I think of me a lot. I hear something and wonder how it will affect me. I go to someone’s house, they share the dinner menu, and I wonder if I will like it. I look at the weather and wonder if it is possible for me to have fun on a rainy day. I come home, and I wonder if I am going to get anything done before bed time. I wonder if my life will be successful. I wonder if I will be any good at doing the things I am doing. I wonder if I will ever be free. I think about myself a lot and how things affect me.
How will this change me? How will it go? How will I grow? Will I experience God more? What if I do the wrong thing? What if no one notices? What if everyone notices? What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to do? I, I, I. I am sick of myself and my obsession with me.
Do I want to be powerless or powerful? There are a few lines I am going to have to cross if I want to be powerful. Powerful is scary because the power will not come from me.
“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” – Acts 1:8
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