It is lovely to have a life where my main priority is to sit or walk along the NYC skyline and help people grow in their relationship with Jesus and heal. Okay, so half the time I cannot see the skyline, but always it is beautiful as are all the people. Yes, it is one of those moments when life indeed seems to be filled with more blessings than pain. Odd since most of the conversations I have are about pain.
Someone today asked me how I process pain or heal? Something like that. Part of my gut reaction is to say I haven’t. After yesterday with all the shaking and crying, God alone knows what I am still holding on the inside. Nearly anything, I suppose.
I am really quite sure I am quite dreadfully afraid of people actually knowing me. I am quite dreadfully afraid of people knowing I like them. There are lots of high risk people in my life. That may be random information, but I do not feel like explaining it. So moving on….
I have been thinking a lot about recovery lately and how I have recovered. I know two paragraphs ago I said the “I haven’t” thing. But I have a little. I used to have this mountain of pain on the inside. Just an entire wall. I knew there was no hope for me. There was no hope for me to ever be in real relationship with anybody, male or female, romantic or not. Now that wall is gone. I still have no idea how to get past what I am working through now, but there is no longer an insurmountable wall that separates me from people. There is just a small amount of fear. The kind that apparently makes me shake uncontrollably like yesterday. Can’t win them all…
So I was saying I think there are two ways the wall has been removed from my life. Well, technically, three. Three years ago, when I decided I needed to put God first in my life again, I faced my greatest fear. Then for the next year of my life, I more or less experienced one of my greatest fears. Experiencing one of my greatest fears did take its power away. Well, not really entirely. I would rather die than go through that year again. But then I shall never have to because if I had to live the same experiences again, I am an entirely different person and it would be an entirely different experience.
So outside of actually just deciding to blindly follow God and quit doing things my way, I think there are two things that have been healing me: service and time with God. Nothing else is strong enough.
For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many. – Mark 10:45