I had a really good day today because I am learning. I am learning many, many things. Nearly being overwhelmed by them. Life experience over the last three days has brought me to the realization that I still believe people only love me for things or roles I play in their lives. Therefore, they will only love me if I am a good roommate, babysitter, service sister (just made that up today. Cheesy, right?) or coworker. If I do not perform, out the door with me!
I guess it goes with my whole concept of receiving love from people. I knew I had major issues with Christian leadership and men. I just was missing the other parts of my life. Unintentionally, I entirely rejected someone because I had convinced myself she had already rejected me.
Truth is my life has gotten so good that I have a hard time not self-sabotaging apparently. I hope the people around here won’t allow me to do that. I do not think they will. They have been pretty amazing.
I had a load of anxiety this morning before my meeting. Actually a bit physically ill. When things start to go to really well, I get scareder apparently. But as I left for the meeting, complete peace came over me and stayed with me. That was really nice because I would have hated to have to run to the bathroom too often. I wouldn’t have gotten any talking done.
I have also been thinking about sobriety lately. Sometimes we refer to working the 12 steps in our lives as working on our sobriety. Being sober is often thought of as how long it has been since our last drink or done drugs. And being abstinent as how long it has been since we engaged in compulsive sexual behaviors or watched porn. But there is way more to it than that. As we walk through the steps and give ourselves a dose of reality, we become sober.
One of the things we are taught is that relapse doesn’t occur without warning signs. Where was our heart that put us in a position to relapse?
I have been thinking about this. I have been thinking about how my Grampa once said he wasn’t going to sit on an open tailgate of a pickup as it went down the road just to see if he could manage to not fall off. Instead he was going to sit up by the cab where he knew there was a much smaller possibility of him falling off. He wasn’t actually talking about riding in the back of a truck but about walking with God and whether salvation is losable. He wasn’t going to try and find out!
I think sobriety feels a lot like that. I used to sit on the tailgate a lot. Just checking if I could manage to stay on. Now I cuddle into the back of the cab as closely as possible and close the tailgate. I don’t want to fall out or relapse. I want to serve Him.
Jesus replied, “The Scriptures say, ‘You must worship the LORD your God and serve only him.'” – Luke 4:8