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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Sabotage

God always sends encouragement through people. Well, probably not quite always. Sometimes I find it in the Word or on my knees. Those are good places to be also. Today my CR family once again made my day as I sat on my floor and laughed hysterically at something one of them shared with me. Now how long has it been since I have laughed until I cried? Well, now only three hours or so. Recovery is awesome because we get to laugh together. We cry together. We laugh together. We love unconditionally. It’s the coolest place on earth.

My day has ended well because it ended with hysterical laughter then step study. Did I mention I have amazing friends? You know what is amazing? That I have friends. Do you know that on Tuesday (two days ago), I discovered I have two friends from before the last two years of my life. I suppose some of that might be a good thing. But it isn’t all because of bad influences I broke up with. A lot of it is because for at least five-ish years of my adult life, I purposely never had friends. I ain’t no one getting close to me!

I realized today that I am still spiritually starving myself after the week with x time. I am so scared of what spending that much time with God means. I am scared to know Him that much. I am scared of how He might ask me to follow Him if I get so close to Him. It makes me nervous.

The holidays are not a good time to starve one’s self. Not a good time at all. I have my “breakfast”, then I go as long as I can without until half way through the afternoon I am about to have a breakdown because I am refusing to take a break and sit down with Him and talk for even just five minutes. Multi-tasking just doesn’t work like actual time alone. My focus needs to just be on Him or my day just spirals.

I seem to be punishing myself with starvation. I do not know where this weird behavior in my life comes from. Sabotage. Oh, yes, I do.

I remember passionately answering a question about why we don’t spend time with God about two months ago in a small group. “When I don’t want to spend time with God,” I said, “It is because He is trying to deal with me in an area I don’t want to change in. When I come in to His presence I must change and I don’t always want to.”

What am I afraid of this time? What don’t I want to change? I am crazy excited for January and crazy afraid. If I keep following Him, I am going to be living on a much more edgy edge than I have ever wanted to. I used to think I liked to live on the edge. That is when I didn’t actually know what the edge was. Now I realize what I used to think was the edge was really just middle ground. The edge is much farther out. It sort of makes me shake. Oh, God! Help me come to You! I do so want to live on the edge for You. To follow You wherever You lead. To be brave enough to live through January in January. Not to live through, but to follow where You call. Here I am, Lord, send me.

You are God of the impossible.

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