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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Run away

I really had a tough day most of today. Mostly because I was quite full of myself. Generally days I am full of myself are tough. Really tough. But one of the mom’s I babysit for came home laughing tonight, and I started to laugh, too. In spite of persistent, very persistent negativity today I did in the end recognize its root cause and why I was carefully being unreasonably negative. It all comes down to if I am negative before you are critical, you can’t hurt me. Which is stupid, but none the less true. So I have decided to avoid doing that again.

I have been thinking about how God has changed me tonight. I have also been thinking about ways to communicate this in under five minutes. So far I have been highly unsuccessful. God has done way too much in my life to tell you about in five minutes. But I will tell you this. I have started to have fun. That is a miracle.

Because I can only remember having fun twice in my life before the last few weeks. The kind of fun where I am actually being myself, having my own sense of humor and trusting those who surround me – all at one time. That is with the exception of with a few extended family members who are on the same spiritual wavelength as me, with children under the age of three, and children in Mexico.

Those two times I had fun were with two different groups of young people who went to real healthy, nice churches. I accidentally had just loads of fun, but purposely never went back again because those people were trying to trap me. Historically if I ever begin to feel a sense of belonging, I run. Really fast.

The reason I keep telling you over and over again on the days I had fun or laughed that I had fun or laughed is because I used to run should something so tragic ever happen to me. I do not know how to explain it, but I am just so overwhelmingly grateful that after having fun now, I want to come back again. I used to run. I used to vow never to return. I have run from everything so many times.

I am so excited to not want to run. I am so excited that I want to stay. I am so excited to be right where I am. I am so excited to be willing to do the hard things to love the people God has put around me. Actually, I probably am most excited about finally becoming willing to be loved.

I told Jesus my story tonight. “Dear Jesus, have you heard what you have done for me? Let me tell you….” It’s so fun to tell my story to Jesus. I think it is a modern day version of a thank offering from the Old Testament. Jesus, all I can say is thank You.I remember the days of old. I ponder all your great works and think about what you have done. I lift my hands to you in prayer. I thirst for you as parched land thirsts for rain. – Psalm 143:5-6

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