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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Run after Him

Two things have I asked of the Lord. May He keep falsehood and lies far from me. May He give me neither riches or poverty, but only my daily bread. Lest I become proud and say, “Who is the Lord?” or I become hungry and steal and thereby dishonor the name of my God. I love those verses of Proverbs. They have been bookmarked over the last week or two. My life will have served its purpose if I could live by this prayer.

Over the last week, I have become a much more thankful person. I bought groceries on Monday. I feel quite wealthy between Monday’s shopping spree and today’s. I may have spent over half of my monthly budget, but I have enough food in the house to last me the rest of the month. My God is a good God. Daily bread. I wonder how my life would look different if I actually believed God meant all the times He talked about daily bread in the Bible. One of the things on my “bucket list” is to someday live content with “daily bread” because I have become generous enough to give the rest away because I actually believe God will be my provider if I do so. It is a dream of mine.

Today I realized one of the reasons I resist people caring about me is I am afraid of the responsibility of people loving me. A few months ago, a little girl made a picture about love, and I was in it. When she showed it to me, I was so upset on the inside. Now I had a responsibility to that little girl. I had a place in her heart. I realize my knee jerk reaction from Sunday is a similar thing. Do not you dare caring about me. Let me go my life unloved, so if I leave you will not weep. My love for others has grown fierce compared to what it was, but I fear being loved. I have hurt people who loved me with their feelings so incredibly badly. I never want to have that power over anyone. I do not want the ability to wound you.

When I was 18 I made a decision in desperation to find God, so I left the culture I was in. Incredible pain has resulted. All sides weep. I sought God. I found Him. The sword that has severed the relationships remained. People loved me with their feelings, and I became a gashing wound to them. I became their greatest pain. Today I realized that is one of the core reasons I have been so alone over the years. I have never wanted to be able to hurt someone like that again, especially when it was a pain I had no choice but to inflict if I was going to follow my God. I have not just been alone to protect myself. I have been alone to protect those around me.

Today I never had the time with God I would have liked. I got up too late. I have been enjoying my Saturdays where I read an entire book of the Bible straight through. I love it. Today I read Habakkuk and Zephaniah. I love Habakkuk. (I can’t spell it, but I love it.) A bookmark has been by the third chapter of Habakkuk for months. I love his ending prayer. I don’t know what I think of Zephaniah yet. I will have to study it more.

I finally settled in to spend some time with God about an hour ago. I began to think about my life now. Then I thought of the two times in my life when I basically literally gave up everything I had for Christ. I thought of how much easier it is for me to follow Him because I have nowhere else to go. I contemplated the position He has put me in. I considered the people here who love me. I began to weep. I am not worthy. His story in my life at this point is literally beyond my comprehension. I am a new creation 1,000 times over. For many years I grew so much I felt like a new person everyday. I have changed so much on the inside. It is nice when people tell me I have changed on the outside, but it does not match the change on my inside.

I do not doubt His Spirit working in me can accomplish whatever He desires through me. But when I think of that little girl, so wounded, I cannot help but think I am not worthy. I am loved. I am treasured, but I do not understand why I get to live the super cool life He has me living. For so many years, I desired to know Him, and I could not find Him. For so many years I was told He rejected people like me. I did not know. I believed them. But He has accepted me. He has invited me to be His disciple. I get to run hard after Him. I get to sit at His feet and soak Him in. I get to live answering His every call, His every invitation. I get to live for Him. It is incredible. It is everything to me.

May my passion for Him never die. May I never compromise His invitation to take up my cross and follow Him. May I never, neglect to take all that I have and give it to the poor and follow Him. May I hate my father, my mother, my sister and brother, my husband, and forsaking all else, may I pursue only Him. In laying down my life, may I find it. May I follow wherever He leads with all my heart in singlehearted devotion. Amen.

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the LORD! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign LORD is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. – Habakkuk 3:17-19

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