Today was an interesting day. This morning during quiet time I remember really struggling. I know I was because I realized if I was going to keep having stupid thoughts I was going to live in a house without knives. Someone else could store everything that could harm me until I was over this hump. My voice is too important to extinguish it myself.
I woke up this morning at 3 am. It was a bit bizarre. There was no bitterness in me. I have peace. I laid there for what seemed like forever and enjoyed it. I must have eventually fallen asleep because I was asleep when my alarm rang at 5. It was so good to just lay there with no depression or bitterness. I know the bitterness I have been summoning up is not bitterness at all. It is a very thin cover for the tears and fear I hold inside. It was nice to not have any of it for a little while. I had it back in quiet time.
It wasn’t really a sudden thing that that happened this morning. Last night when I went to sleep I lay in bed mentally screaming my fake bitterness at one of my triggers. Somehow in my anger I came to the part of the story where I left my career five years ago. Somewhere in my screaming I told the person I never even used to have a reference point for love. All the screaming stopped. I began to process that in light of how hard the last few weeks have been. Suddenly the last few weeks did not seem so bad. I know what love is now. I am terrified to work on learning to love at the next deeper level, but I give and receive love now. That is a really big deal. So I silently cried myself to sleep last night, so overwhelmingly grateful I knew what love was.
Today has had its ups and downs. Most of the downs seem to be inspired by my cold. I do not do well mentally when I am sick. I am not used to being sick. I have not been sick like I was in February since 2009. This isn’t much better. I almost went to the doctor today, but couldn’t quite get myself to do it. Then my evening plans cancelled in late morning, so I was able to work on school work and rest.
My counselor reached out to me today, and I responded to her this evening. Writing down all the trials of the last few weeks has made them seem much more like progress than defeat and pain. It has been a tough go, but God is with me. (Now if He would perform the miraculous and get rid of my cold!)
For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. – I Corinthians 13:12