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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Rest. Well, sort of

Sunday 9:30 PM

I posted all my blog posts from Mexico today. It was an interesting experience because occasionally I thought, “I don’t want to tell people that!” Then I told people that. I wondered why in heaven’s name I was telling people such things. This inspired me to look over the week before the trip and then randomly scan a bit in January and February. It was painful to look at some of the things I have shared. Partly because it reminded me of how painful the journey has been at times. Partly because I was like, “Whoa, people know this?! I guess there is nothing I can do about it now.”

But the pain of looking back at journals is not entirely tied to people now being able to read my journal. In some ways, I do not care about that. Looking back at paper journals is really hard, too. It reminds me how painful that time in my life was. There really have not been that many times in my life that were not painful. When I was not experiencing pain I did not bring on myself or being an idiot and making a mess of myself, I was working through my messes and my pain in some sort of active recovery. I am sort of hoping at some point in the future my life becomes much more enjoyable, so it is not so painful to look back.

Part of the reason it is painful to look back is because of pride. I would like to know then what I know now. Relive the parts of my life I lived in ignorance and live them with knowledge and wisdom. I entirely take that back. Outside of the last week in Mexico, I don’t want to relive any parts of my life. I take that back; there are a couple more moments along the way over the last couple years I would totally relive. They are just moments, not days, weeks or months. But now I have moments I would live all over again.

I would live most of today over again. I was so excited to come home and see my people here. I wanted to hug people. I didn’t. I am still always surprised when I want to hug people. It’s weird. Not bad weird, just weird.

I did struggle to take a sabbath today. I generally wanted to start things and work on things because I have tons of things to do. The sooner I get started, the sooner lives can change. Though I don’t suppose it all depends on me. I am not a god or something. Seems resting a day is a waste of time. I severely needed rest though. It goes back to the conversation with God I had awhile back about resting. If I want to run and not be weary, I will have to train for it. Training always includes resting.

Ugh, and one last note. I even had disturbing dreams during my nap today. I had gone so long without nightmares I was beginning to think they were a thing of my past. So much for that.

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. – Isaiah 40:28-31

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