I am still in this pattern of fighting this super stinking thinking all the way through the first part of my day. I know what it is. I simply don’t want to admit my part in a step 9 conversation. I want to blame it all on the other person instead of taking personal responsibility for it. No, I don’t want to confess the idolatry of my old sinful flesh. I don’t want to admit how much yuck there is down there. I don’t want to face that I am responsible for so much of my own pain as an adult. As a kid experiencing abuse, not so much. As an adult, I am learning so much of my pain actually comes from me trying to get things from people who never could give them to me even if they wanted to do so!
Finally this afternoon I was able to give some of it over to God. You know after 11 years of being a Christian, I had a realization this afternoon: Maybe I should ask God to soften my heart regarding this person and situation. I am not sure if that or a conversation with a friend is actually what helped kick my stinking thinking. Well, now that I think about it, it certainly isn’t the first time I have asked God to change my heart, then hung on for the ride!
Once again tonight I am connected and whole and at peace with God and the world. Why every morning have I been waking up so upset and angry? I don’t even think I have been having nightmares.
Oh, and it did occur to me tonight in step group that I bet there are at least two things I am projecting into all the conversations I keep having in my head.
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God, how unsearchable his judgments and his paths beyond tracing out. Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor? Who has ever given to God that God should repay them? For from him and through him and for him are all things. To him be the glory forever, Amen. Romans 11
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