Tired. Exhausted. Sick. Emotionally drained. Overwhelmed. Thankful. Growing. Loving. Crying. Learning to be loved. Did I say the exhausted, sick and tired parts? I was doing very well physically today until about 5 pm when I hit a wall. Knowing I had counseling at 7, I decided on a 20-minute nap to help me survive. I woke up dizzy, nauseous and disoriented.
So I talked to my counselor. I have decided counseling is the best money I have ever spent in my life. Better than education. But it did just occur to me, probably not better than food. Now what if I had done this before burying myself in addictive and compulsive behaviors?
I told my counselor about all the things that have been happening in my life. She was really excited for me. I think the emotional breakdown part has both of us really excited. It is so good to be working through all this pain and fear. I am so glad I am learning to be loved. As she pointed out, I have been here for two and a half years now, so people know me and love me at one time. They love me even if they know me.
It occurred to me while I talked to her that I have been afraid of the end of February because then I will be here longer than I have been anywhere else. I was afraid I would want to freak out and run away. I do not want to freak out and run away. I want to put down more roots and stay. I want to love all these people, who have loved me so well.
Now I am going to go to sleep, so I can be coherent in the morning. (No x time on the timer today. A little bit less time than that.) May He be with me forever.
Oh, but one more note. I have been thinking about how blessings don’t always feel good lately. This part of my life is an enormous blessing. It doesn’t necessarily feel good; but man, am I going to reap a harvest of intimacy with people! Cry, lady, cry.
Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up. Therefore, whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone—especially to those in the family of faith. – Galatians 6:7-10