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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Rejected and despised

I had a bad day. I do not know why it was so bad, but it was bad. I felt rejected all day. It is something that often used to follow me around. I still do not feel entirely a part of things. I have carried it with me my entire life. I am really tired of this piece of baggage. Really, really tired. For once can I rejoice in being invited and being a part of something instead of brace myself for complete rejection?

This evening I was on the way to a party. Unlike a few days ago when I was wise enough to spend time with God before going to work for the evening, today I spent very little time with Him except to whine. Before leaving, I had thoughts come to my brain. Not ones I was really trying hard to think. “It’s not fair. This sucks. blah blah blah.” I was getting ready. I looked in the mirror and said, “Really? It’s not fair? God has given you all this and it is not fair? It is more than you could have ever imagined. Girl, I think you are blessed!” But even knowing this, I continued to feel rejected and alone.

On the bus, I wrote out a prayer to God. It was in the writing I realized I was feeling rejected and alone not bitter and angry. It was then I realized I have felt this way my whole life. It is probably a habit now. Someday I am going to learn to trust invitations and rejoice in them!

It occurred to me to ask God what my part was in learning to accept love and feel like a part of a group. What is my part in believing people love me? I believe they manipulate me for their own purposes, but love me for me? I don’t know. Oddly in the relationships I struggle in most, I could not figure out what they wanted from me. It seems perhaps they did not want anything from me. It occurs to me now that perhaps this is what scares me. I don’t know. Anyway, I am going to keep this conversation open with God. God, give me the courage to change the things I can.

My closing line was “Help me live in obscurity with great contentment.” That was my other conversation today. Heavenly Father, help me give everything and need no recognition for it.

The party was absolutely amazing and entirely changed my focus and day. I love parties. Well, actually I have a love/hate relationship with them. That is conversation for another day.

He was despised and rejected—a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. – Isaiah 53:3

So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. Because of these sins, the anger of God is coming. You used to do these things when your life was still part of this world. 8But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language. 9Don’t lie to each other, for you have stripped off your old sinful nature and all its wicked deeds. Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like him. In this new life, it doesn’t matter if you are a Jew or a Gentile, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbaric, uncivilized, slave, or free. Christ is all that matters, and he lives in all of us. – Colossians 3:5-11

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