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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Refollow?

Today is the day I decided to unfollow. The path is too difficult. The obstacles too many. Who cares what I believe God is inviting me into? It cannot be worth this level of difficulty. This sucks. I want to unfollow.

I was doing dishes this afternoon when I realized I wanted to unfollow. Before I was busy telling myself how I was not unfollowing, I was merely finding another way to reach my goals. I had no idea how making the choices I was making was going to help me reach my goals, but so what? Often the path God asks us to walk doesn’t always look like it is headed toward our goals, right?

So I washed my dishes and realized I wanted to unfollow Jesus. The road was too difficult. The path too rough. There really was no reward. Clearly. Look at my life. I thought about it and thought about it. I became super sad that I did not have what it takes to do anything. I never even really cared. Honestly I just wanted to quit.

I thought of what always makes me stay on the path I believe He has called me on. Peter’s question to Jesus, “To whom else would we go? You have the words of eternal life.” I thought of the reason I was leaving. I was leaving because if I left, I would not have a grocery budget of $40 a month. I could eat. I could leave Jesus, so I could eat whatever I wanted. It seemed reasonable. Being on such a tight budget really gets wearing.

There is the opposite way of thinking: “Wow, it is the 21st of the month, and I have only spent $21 dollars on groceries so far this month. I have had plenty to eat. I have literally wanted nothing. How amazing if that!!!!” If I think that, it cheers me up. So I avoid thinking it and wallow instead because that is what I do when I am afraid.

I continued to think about unfollowing and what a dismal disappointment I was to life in general. I decided if I was going to think about unfollowing so much, I should actually just listen to the Andy Stanley series that inspired the thought. So I started with the Unfollow message. Continuing to listen to the messages, made my situation kind of funny. “I gave up Jesus for a hamburger.” sounded kind of ridiculous after all.

That started to change my mood. Then I got ready for step study tonight. I looked at the TURN lesson. All my answers from four months ago stared me in the face. Basically, they were reminders of what it was like the last time I decided to unfollow Jesus. Three years of disaster; and three years after the end of those three years, I am still reaping the consequences. Well, I wish I could say that entirely changed my evening. It did, but it didn’t.

I still ended up sitting on the floor and crying because life was just too painful. I am realizing I must struggle during the spring. Last spring was really hard also. I wonder why?

In any case, I do not want to unfollow right now. I am just too scared to move. Perfect love may cast out fear; it just has not cast out my fear yet.

And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love.

God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world.

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. We love each other because he loved us first. – I John 4:13-19

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