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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Refine me like silver

Well, I feel like it was an incredibly good day. I cannot remember why. I just feel good about it. I know I had some trouble maintaining perspective. I continue to remind myself where my real issues lie. Honestly I just hate being weak. I hate how I respond to other people hurting me. I hate I have been wounded. I hate that when I am in healthy, safe places now, it feels like something scary. I hate it when it feels like the world is closing in on me, and really the people around me are just genuinely trying to love me.

I went to counseling today. I am working on sorting through truth and lies. It is amazing how unable I am to voice my own needs and desires. What do you need? Uh, nothing? Jesus? I am getting a little bit better with it. I am way better at writing things than saying them. I am way better at being able to answer that question alone in quiet time with God than I am if any human is present.

I keep thinking how the bitterness conversation has a lot to do with humility. In my weekly thought, I called it self-acceptance and being kind to myself, but I have been experiencing it is humility I need. This is extremely, extremely humbling. There must be nothing more humbling on earth than accepting help and love. I keep thinking I should be done with taking step one, then God shows me another area of my life I cannot control. He shows me another one of my weaknesses. I guess if I want to be refined like silver that is what happens.

Praise our God, all peoples, let the sound of his praise be heard; he has preserved our lives and kept our feet from slipping. For you, God, tested us; you refined us like silver. You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let people ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but you brought us to a place of abundance. – Psalm 66:8-12


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