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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Pressing on

Oh, I waited too long to start writing. I was going to say I was feeling good. Oh, bummer. Well, I was feeling good for a little while! It was a mostly bad day. I am still thinking dismal thoughts sometimes, but I quit thinking most of them during my babysitting job. I am trying not to restart thinking them as I think about them.

But I don’t know if it is really fair to say it is a really bad day. Yes, I am going through an emotional funk; but it is one I have to go through to face the next step in my recovery. So it does not feel good, so what? Okay, saying that made me want to start crying. Which is basically what I am doing today if I am not covering up my emotions with criticism. Most of the day I have just been critical, but it is an odd type of critical. It is like I don’t really believe it even myself, which I don’t. But I don’t want to cry.

I got home from meeting with a friend this afternoon, and I sat on the bed and thought of all sorts of things like all the fears I have to face to be whole. I started to cry and say I didn’t want to be that broken. That is pretty much what I do when I think of such things. I start crying. I did not sleep very well last night. I did not cry myself to sleep, but I did cry before falling asleep. It is really the last thing I remember doing before falling asleep. I remember waking up at about 2:45 and realizing I was dreaming about being really loved by my church. I don’t remember what was happening in the dream – only that I was being loved and feeling loved.

Someone said something today about what I needed. What do I need in relationships. I don’t need anything in relationships. At least that is what I thought. I do not trust people much; but even when I get to loving them, I have the good sense not to need things from them. At least that is what I thought. I do not know what to think of this whole situation. I do not need anything. It reminds me about someone recently who asked me if I needed some furniture. I looked at them a bit mystified. I suppose it depends on what you mean by need, I won’t die without it. I slept on the floor for two years, so I don’t know that I need furniture.

I do not even know how to interact with that question. It is not safe to need things. I do not like to do it. I do not need much. This afternoon when I was walking to work, I thought I might just walk and walk and walk and walk until I just disappeared, but then I realized I was sort of needed somewhere. I thought I might do it tomorrow instead, but I have class in the morning and a group of women who need me in the evening. I would do it Wednesday, but I have….

You get my point. It was a bit weird to think about being so committed to a place. I used to not be committed to a place at all. Now people and incomeless events bind me here. I do suppose it is that thing called love. I do not know how I feel about it. Well, I am pulling up my nose just a little. Anyway, I hope I do not cry tonight when I go to sleep, but I think I probably will.

And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. – Philippians 1:6

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