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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Pressing on?

Well, this too will pass, so I am told. Not the best day. From beginning to end it was not good. I will not be getting a 60-day sobriety chip for not wanting to hurt myself at the end of this month. Bang went that! Along with a lot else. I tried to figure out a way to quit my life today, but the only thing I could come up with was nothing. Then step study tonight was about giving. I am not sure I give anymore. I am a hamster on a wheel who can’t get off. But a giver? A giver needs to be willing and joyful.

Last night on my way home I sang, “This could be the best day of my life.” Today did not reflect that sentiment at all. I think part of it is just the adrenaline drop off from finishing my book. In any case, I came home today to have time with God and at the end of my time with God, I realized I didn’t have to restart where I was on Easter when I went suicidal for the first time in five years. This time I will refocus much quicker than that. Recovery is like that. The getting up gets easier.

I just don’t want to keep going. Who invented such a ridiculously hard life anyway?

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul? For the Son of Man will come with his angels in the glory of his Father and will judge all people according to their deeds. – Matthew 16:24-27


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