The most bizarre thing happened to me today. Someone suggested we go have fun together. I started laughing. Fun? You want me to have fun? I don’t have fun. I do things. I always do things. All my friends are friends I do things with. But fun? You want me to have fun. I left, walking down the street, shaking my head, being astounded at how astounded I was that the invitation to have fun was astounding.
Oh, but I have had fun this week. A lot of lot of fun. It has been the best holiday ever. I never knew I could be more happy than sad/mad on a holiday. Oh, but it was full of people I loved. It was filled with dogs and people I loved. On Thanksgiving morning, I was walking one of my temporary pets when I discovered someone who was going to be at home all day (except to grab la comida later in the day). No one to spend it with. After missing the opportunity to invite her, I beat myself up a bit for not inviting her. What would I say I thought when she asked why she would come, she doesn’t know any of the people. And I thought with no thinking, “Because that is what holidays are for, to get together with a bunch of people who all don’t know each other and eat and have fun.” And it is wonderful. These beautiful people I have met here are wonderful. God is wonderful, and so are His people.
It has been a good week since deciding to trust Christians last Sunday morning. I have laughed a lot, I have cried a little, I have lived immensely. At CR we believe that finding healing is learning how to experience our emotions. This week I lived in the present and experienced a lot of emotion. I did not know it was possible for me to have a truly happy holiday season. I thought it was something I would always have to pursue without ever obtaining. But this year, it came to me with no pursuing. It is after all, the people who make the holiday. Well, that and the dogs and the super cheesy, crazy heart-warming, totally ridiculous Hallmark Christmas movies.
I am so thankful I have decided to follow Him. I want to continue following Him until all I see is Him. Today I spoke with someone about praying without ceasing. I said I thought my understanding of the concept was to be constantly aware of God’s presence. Because if I was always aware of His presence, how couldn’t I be praying? That is what I want to experience someday. A constant awareness of His presence because I have focused on Him until He is a part of my entire day and life. This is the one concept of Paul’s life that I continually glean from studying how Paul did not burnout in ministry – he kept a razor-sharp focus on Christ. That is what I want.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. – Galatians 2:20
For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. – Philippians 1:21