I went to counseling today pretty exhausted emotionally. All these things I have been through in the last few months. Growing over the last few years has been a process I have never even been able to imagine possible. In the last few months changes have occurred that I did not have faith for. I have allowed myself to feel pain I have repressed for years as wounds were ripped open and cleaned out.
There was a day only three or four months ago when I thought my entire summer would be characterized by mistrust and pain. I would have to fight everyday to trust those around me. Instead, this summer has been filled with joy and laughter. God has given me more than I could ever ask or imagine. Were there hard days? Yes. Were there times when I was tempted to stay in bed instead of go to meetings? Yes, but thankfully I never actually wanted to do it; only my fear wanted to do it. Were there times nerves made me physically ill? Yes, but never in an incapacitating way. More in a way that made me lean on God and begin to trust His people. Am I still learning to allow people to actually know me? Yes, 100% yes. But my memory of this summer is not going to be one of pain though there was pain in it. It is going to be a memory of the incredible goodness of God. A goodness I cannot even imagine though I have experienced it.
I am really a little bit embarrassed to admit it, but there are days I have started to… I can’t believe I am about to tell you this. Whoever you is. I wonder if you is anybody. There are days I have started to find excuses for reasons to go to church offices. This has probably been going on for about six weeks or so. Well, maybe four weeks or so. It is scary to admit such a thing. Whoever you is, you have no idea how fiercely independent and self-sufficient I used to believe I was. You have no idea what lengths I have gone through to not need people. Yup, you heard it. These church people are growing on me big time.
I told my counselor today how I struggled to convey to people exactly how bad my heart was 3-5 years ago. She said it will help as I learn more about it myself and can see the experience better. On the way home, I thought of exactly what I had been trying to tell her. I have a hard time explaining to people how evil I was. I think I was evil. I didn’t care who went to hell. I even said so, and I was proud of it. I was a “libertarian Christian”. To each his own. Yes, I believed you went to hell if you didn’t believe in Jesus; but I literally just did not care. Approximately the first year I served in Jersey, I just asked God to change my heart to love people because I didn’t. I did not love people two years ago. I had started to change, but I was still in a bad spot. The difference is I wanted to love people. So as I served, I asked God to change me so I cared about the people I was serving.
This afternoon in counseling and this evening in quiet time, there is a new difference. I have decided to engage God in the conversation I have often told you I have been refusing to have with Him. I do not know exactly how this looks, but for tonight it looked like me beginning to be willing to want change I do not naturally want. I am afraid of what God has to say to me. But tonight I told Him I am willing to open that door. I am willing to engage the conversation. When He has something to say in this area, this time I am listening. This time I am waiting here for Him to lead me to the next step. This time I am willing to follow Him wherever He leads if it is the most painful thing I have done in my life and I never understand why. If it hurts until the day I die, I want to be willing to serve Him because He is worthy not because it makes me happy. Odd how all these conversations come together.
“So Father, here I am. Speak when you are ready because I am finally waiting here for You. To give You one more segment of my life I have been so terrified to give. To follow You wherever You might lead. Oh, God, you know where I don’t want to go! But if You would ask me to follow You there, I will though I cry for the first sixty years. Dad, don’t abandon me now. Help me stay willing because this living sacrifice is starting to squirm on this altar. Here I am. Use me.”
So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.'” So Samuel went and lay down in his place. – I Samuel 3:9
For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me and for the gospel will save it. – Mark 8:35
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