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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae


I had a conversation with God today. I think it all started when I was playing piano. I was thinking back to when I was a kid and hated lessons, so my parents left me quit. They had no great stakes in me continuing and wanted to spare themselves the nagging.

I wondered why it was that I hated practicing. “I never liked my teacher” I told myself. It was true. I didn’t. I don’t think she liked me either. I think the reason I did not like it was because I actually had to practice. Being a farm girl, I was good at physical labor and was book smart. I think I was just too lazy to work at something I had to actually try to do. Because when I got to high school algebra, I also did not like my teacher. I did not even attempt to actually learn algebra either. It has been a trend in my life. Then there was the competitive side of me, I wanted to be the best at everything. There was no being better than my sister when it came to music. So I quit lessons, and just messed around whenever I felt like it.

Sometime later today I was conversing with God about some of the relationships I have in my life. The irony that some of my “triggers” are people I admire most. I do not spend time actively resenting them when I am not around them. Though I think some part of me must actually resent them. I pray for some of them a lot and some a little. It really annoys me that when they are around, fear, self-protection and, at this point, old habits kick in.

I was wondering why this was still this way after all this time and all the work of being willing to do the hard stuff. I wondered if I was really still scared. If it really was just fear that kept me on the other side of the room. I wondered if it was me once again being afraid to practice. There are so many parts of practice that really annoy me: not getting it right the first time, having to try, having to overcome all those feelings of frustration, having to look imperfect should anyone be watching.

I am also afraid of being judged harshly by the people I need to practice with. They have never done anything to make me think so. In fact, they are so the opposite way, I think it may add a little to my wariness. Once again, no fault of theirs.

Then there are some areas of my life where I am quite teachable. I need to learn how to become a student in my relationships with men. I do not know everything and never will know everything. But I can step into learning even if it does mean I stutter and I stammer. Oh, I do not like stuttering and stammering, especially in public. It happens to me sometimes.

If I could just quit the pride thing. Get rid of pride forever. If I could just remember I am one of 7,231,900,219 people in the world. I am no better, no worse, no more important than any of my fellow creatures. All created by the same God. All created to serve God and each other. If I could just remember I am miniscule and He is gigantic, then maybe, maybe I would not act this way. Maybe I would be willing to practice to love better. Maybe I would remember I am a little piece of a great plan. Maybe I would be willing to stammer.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11


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