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Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Powerless

I had x time today. I still had a really rough day. I just could not focus. I ended up getting about as much work done as I would expect in a day, but it was all in the last couple hours of the evening. I am just realizing now how wrapped up in productivity I must seem to you. Well, I suppose I am. Where I come from, busyness and productivity were the way of life. It is hard to distance myself from that. Though I do count emotional work and healing as highly productive! As well as building into relationships and spending time with people. My world doesn’t quite revolve around work/producing. At least that is what I tell myself.

What finally helped my mind settle was preparing my message on step 1 for CR for Sunday. Stepping out of denial, admitting we are powerless. Writing it, teaching it to my empty room and editing it were really good for me. I have been pointing out to my CR sisters for a few weeks how God has been teaching me step 1 before I teach it, but I needed to hear the message today. The encouragement from it. I am not supposed to be able to control things. I shouldn’t try to do so. When I do, I am going to be so frustrated.

I went over my favorite quote from Life’s Healing Choices. “Frustration is a symptom of a much deeper issue: a failure to recognize that we are not God.” When I am frustrated by life or aggravated by the people around me, I am in denial about my position. I am trying to be God. The last time I went through Life’s Healing Choices, I said I had tried to control my problems, my pain and my image; but other people? I didn’t control other people. I was too much of an isolationist for that. In my past, that actually might be true to some extent at least, but right now, I struggle with controlling other people. I have finally left people into my life, my heart, scariest of all, I have left them into my dreams. They have become a part of my ideal future. It is hard to love them instead of control them.

By the time I was done teaching the air, I had a better perspective on my day. Partly because there are always examples from my life in the teaching and they remind me what God has done. I started my evening x time with confessing, “God, I cannot control…” and there was a list. It felt so good. Maybe I should start out all my prayers with acknowledging I am not God.

I hope 2015 is the year I learn to love. I do not want to nag, resent, manipulate, control, manage. I want to love. I want to have open hands, held out. I want to live life okay with knowing God gives and takes away. Everything is His. I want to let Him be the head of His church. It is going to be incredibly hard to walk this way; but I know if I do, I will get to truly experience and receive love as well.

Job stood up and tore his robe in grief. Then he shaved his head and fell to the ground to worship. He said, “I came naked from my mother’s womb, and I will be naked when I leave. The LORD gave me what I had, and the LORD has taken it away. Praise the name of the LORD!” – Job 1:20-21

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