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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Peace

The other day I was walking down the street, thinking about things. I thought about how I used to measure every dime I spent on anything that wasn’t a basic necessity by how much addictive behavior I wouldn’t be able to participate in if I purchased the other luxury. My whole financial life revolved around it. I thought about how now my purchases are made as frugally as I can stomach, so I can give. I think if I made more, I wouldn’t think about it so much. It is just that I have so little to give that if I don’t budget carefully, I would have nothing. But it made me think I have a new addiction.

I have often thought that these days anyway. That I have replaced one addiction for another. After all, if I go too long without one-on-one time with God, I start to shake and can’t concentrate. My financial world revolves around Him, sort of. When I go on a trip away from my home, I nearly panic until I realize there are CRs all over. I can visit one if I have to to stay sober. I am not alone. I think I am addicted to God.

I have been having nightmares again. (Yes, this is the day I am trying to remember all the things I keep forgetting to tell you each night.) Yesterday when I overslept it was a mixture of horror at entirely missing my first job and joy that I had managed to sleep until 7:20 with no nightmare or restless behavior.

Today I am at peace and experience joy. I am prioritizing my life again, and it feels good. Sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. This coming semester I have decided to take only one class. (My other one got cancelled. Why replace it? I don’t care if I ever get a degree.) So I am capitalizing on that last fact that I don’t care if I graduate. I am there to learn and develop spiritually, so what if I don’t have a piece of paper to tell me I did so after completing a certain number of classes?

I have decided where I am going to reallocate that time, and I am excited about it. I think it is better leveraged or at least my time is more evenly leveraged than before. Who wants to go into Manhattan more than once a week? Ew.

I am still thinking about the conversation from a few weeks ago about my identity in Christ. I am still convinced that I am best off focusing less on me and more on getting to know Him. If I know who He is, it will be impossible to not know who I am. Because my position is determined by His.

But now, this is what the Lord says— he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; – Isaiah 43:1-3

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