I was just about to tell you what an amazing day I had. Then I remembered you do not know what happened last night after the blog post. My counselor emailed me back, showing great amount of caring for my current condition; and I did what I recently do when certain individuals show they care. I had an interesting reaction!
I had my first panic attack. They are very interesting experiences. There was just something about someone hearing the whole story and responding with love and concern that made me panic. So it took me about forty minutes to go through that before I texted my friends and emailed my counselor to let them know what happened.
As I write this down, I realize all my weird, uncontrollable responses lately have been after someone has shown they cared. That makes me panic. So here is to learning how to be loved! Earlier today I realized I was going to have to allow people to love me in order for me to continue loving people. It is really humbling to take time out of people’s days, especially times that are not necessarily convenient to them to allow them to love me. Apparently I do need things from people. I need their presence and time.
The real good news is I did not want to die and go to heaven or kill myself one single time today. I think that is huge in light of yesterday night’s experience. I felt alive. I am sort of excited to be facing things and processing them. And yes, sometime in the next few weeks, I will make my way to a counselor who specializes in trauma to face my deepest fears. I think my deepest fear is admitting I have been hurt! I know I often lament here how wounded I am. Yet for many years before I took off my mask, I blamed my pain on myself and being too weak to be able to handle it. Going to a counselor for trauma seems like such an admission of powerlessness. I thought about that word some today in light of how much we use it at CR. I am powerless to control even myself at times!
I had a long talk with God this afternoon. I figured working on my recovery is the best thing I can do to financially support myself anyway today. In two months, I will have to deal with a job. Right now God is giving me a gift. All arrows point north in what is the next layer of fear to process. It was a good talk. All in all, I had a quite peaceful day.
And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit. – 2 Corinthians 3:18
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