Today I rested. And recovered. So many emotions, so little time to process them. So many things are changing this week. I tell people all the time if we are honest with ourselves when we take our honest and spiritual inventory and are truly honest about “who we are critical of and why”, it will reveal more about us than about the other person.
Over the last few weeks, I have been observing patterns of anger, fear and insecurity in my life that reveal much more about my character than they do anything else. Deeply rooted fallacies still exist in me. Sometimes it takes situations I do not understand to reveal them.
Today I realized I still believe people are ultimately against me. I was raised in a very “us against them” world. One where I was led to believe people were always out to get me. One that was narcissistic enough to believe the whole world revolved around us. I do not think all people are out to get me anymore, but I still tend to think an awfully high percentage are.
I have also learned that I still think I am a function in a relationship. That my value to those around me is a role I fill in their lives. Nothing more. I have learned I still run away from intimacy, but now it hurts as much to run as it does to stay and experience it.
I have also reflected that I am not as selfish as I used to be. I am still selfish, but at least I am not as selfish as I used to be.
Today I rested, learned painful truths about myself and laughed and partied. I finished the last question in my step study guides. Tonight in quiet time I felt a little lost with no hard questions to answer at the end of my time. I suppose it is a good thing, I get to start answering the questions all over again in another month. Life is good.
The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba,g Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. – Romans 8:15-17