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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Painful triggers

Right now I am having one of those moments where it does not feel like God loves me. I am feeling pushed aside and forgotten. Passed over. Rejected. All those things we hate to feel. As I sat down to write tonight, I almost watched some videos on Hulu. Then it occurred to me that things have been happening more often on Saturday nights. I have an enemy that would like to destroy my Sundays. Maybe I should go journal and write down all the ways God loves me instead of focusing on the things I do not have. For some reason for the last few hours I have felt incredibly poor. Not normal lately.

So for something different here is me journaling that here instead of doing it on paper and then telling you I did it. He loves me by sending His Son to earth to die for me. I have had a pretty rough last couple of days. Yesterday I decided to ask God how He felt about me. It never really occurred to me before, but God separated Himself from Himself for me. I tried to imagine a scenario in which I would be willing to be without God’s Spirit within me for even a few seconds. Life is so different after I have had Him. I couldn’t think of anyone I loved enough to give up communion with God for their sake. I could think of scenarios I would cut off my right arm for people, but not give up His Spirit.

God loves me by providing for me – spiritually, emotionally, physically. Right now I am seething mad about His provision, but I know I am projecting or displacing or some other fancy psychological term. What felt so much like love only a few days ago, feels like neglect right now. Why doesn’t God take care of me? Why do I have to sacrifice so much when it feels like others get to live so high on the hog? And honestly, most of America does compared to me. And I would not care a bit if I did not look to my left and look to my right, compare the situations and feel my heart sink within about how much God does not love or provide for me. Comparison: the death of all contentment.

The biggest way God loves me is through relationship. First with Him, but also with His people and all people. He reminded me that as a friend texted. Jersey is my home because here people love me. It is true I struggle with connection, but I am a hundred times more connected than three years ago when I moved here. I am more connected than at any other time in my life. I actually claim to have friends now. Friends have not been a part of my past. Extremely few people have I considered friends while I had them. I am extremely rich in relationship.

I have decided to just not believe what satan says. It is just not true. I am valuable. I am loved, and God is taking care of me – no matter how hard it is to notice on the outside some days, which once again makes me feel like I am being ungrateful. Does God really want me to be joyful about giving everything I have to the poor? Seems like a tall order.

Which reminds me of another conversation I have been having with God since Wednesday. God has no expectations for me. The purpose of my life would be entirely met if all I did was enjoy Him in it. All the parts of my life that hurt and that I gasp in pain over are great big adventures He has invited me on. He doesn’t force me; He just invites me. I have this picture of me just enjoying Him in absolute surrender. I am a young girl in the middle of a field. He is unseen like the wind, but he beckons and calls to me, “Come! Let’s go on an adventure! You will never believe all the fun we will have!” So far His plans exceed mine. I struggle with understanding the sacrifice. I wonder how great big adventure covers sacrifice. I was thinking what I look as merely pain has so much purpose. All the sacrifice of giving and of becoming sober pays off in my deeper relationship with Him and others. I think God looks at it as getting the obstacles out of the way so I can enjoy love more.

Now I am off to bed. May His love endure forever!

Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? – Matthew 6:26


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