I cannot decide whether I am less teachable than I used to be or less codependent than I used to be. I know right now I am struggling with a massive pride problem. I figured that out today. I am too proud to tell you how I figured it out. Some of the stubbornness to change my mind that I have started to have is good. I used to be way too easily won over to someone else’s side because I did not trust myself or my own judgment. I just trusted other people’s. Some of it is bad. Who wants to be around a know-it-all? Even Jesus did not like being around them. I would hate for Jesus to not want to be around me.
I am trying to figure out why I have become a know-it-all. I think one of the reasons is because changing is too much work right now. I do not want to learn a lot of new things because it is too much work. I am too tired to change directions. I do not know what you think, but I think that is a red flag.
I spent frivolous money on me today. It makes me feel really valued (at least by myself). It has been a ridiculously long time since I have spent frivolous money anywhere for anything. It does make me think about the opportunity costs though. I do not want to guilt myself over it, but some orphan in Africa is hungrier and less educated on account of my decision. Money is sort of like time. You can only spend it once.
Recently I have found myself saying, “If there was no God, I would…” a lot recently. Essentially filling in that “…” with all the ways I would enjoy myself in a ridiculously unfulfilling, addictive, licentious lifestyle. It came to my attention yesterday that I have a major heart issue going on. There is no such thing as “If there was no God…”. There is a God. There may be such a thing as “If I chose not to follow God, I would…” Which begs the question, why am I obsessing lately over what I would do if I was not following God? It is the entirely opposite focus I should have.
Tonight we did the last lesson on step 12 in step group. It occurred to me I am stuck on Principle 6. I am not “yielding myself to God”. At least I am not doing it with a willing, loving heart. I have a “yielding” problem. As much as I want to pour my life out in service, a part of me seems to be massively resenting it right now. Which is understandable from an entirely temporal, human perspective. I have had to make some major sacrifices in the last few weeks that have hurt really badly.
I think I know what my counselor would say, “Acknowledge the emotions. Respect them. They are legitimate.” Because denying I feel something does not change the way I feel, but admitting I feel something will help me release it to God.
And now I am bound by the Spirit to go to Jerusalem. I don’t know what awaits me, except that the Holy Spirit tells me in city after city that jail and suffering lie ahead. But my life is worth nothing to me unless I use it for finishing the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus—the work of telling others the Good News about the wonderful grace of God. – Acts 20:22-24