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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Out with the old

I do not think I will ever understand emotions and recovery. I celebrated a lot of today. I had a really hard time celebrating with more than just one person with me though. It always bugs me when I think I am doing quite well and someone I know really well asks me how I am doing, and I say “Okay”. and they say, “really?” and suddenly I feel like bawling, and I never knew there was anything wrong in the first place! That happened to me this morning though I did have a warning on the way there. My prayer a block away had very much been down the order of, “Okay, God, I am so not ready to be where I am arriving. But I am so glad I am sober.” I am just really glad to be sober.

It does annoy me a bit that sometimes I have those weird emotional flashbacks to six-twelve months ago when church offices terrified me. The last couple days have been rough for some reason. I think it is because I am dealing with all this genuine excitement. Because even after the extremely miniature flashback this morning, I walked away from people and became extremely excited about 2015 again. This evening with a friend I was all very openly excited about it. 2015 is going to be the best year ever. Last year was, too. It is all because I cannot control anything about my life, but I can control whether I am following Him.

I am not sure how to be excited with people yet. I know I was excited with my friend tonight, but large groups scare me. I do not know how to be wildly excited in a group context. Maybe I should just give the introvert in me a break.

I spent the entire afternoon in my apartment hanging with a friend and baking cookies and cleaning. I know it is weird to have a friend over and clean while your friend uses your computer, but for some reason I felt this need to do so. Oh, oh, oh, oh, something happened that would have never happened if I had been alone. I was going through my boxes, just sorting stuff out for charity and use. I came across the box with my dance shoes, and I said something about it.

I wished I could have recorded the conversation. During part of it, I laughed somewhat hysterically at the absolute ridiculousness of my situation. It went sort of like this:

Me: Here are my dance shoes.

Her: Oh, let me see. Oh, they are so cute….blah blah blah

Me: I wonder if I will ever dance again. Probably not.

Her: Why not? What kind of dance did you do?

…ensuing conversation…

Her: Oh, you should. You should keep them.

Me: Dancing was my strongest addiction.

Her: Oh, girl, you need to get rid of those shoes. What do you mean?

Me: When I dance, I wish God was dead so I could just dance instead of serve Him.

Her: Oh, girl, you need to get rid of those shoes.

Me: Well, I am not really planning on dancing again; I am just keeping them just in case I decide to quit following God and dance again.

Here is the part of the conversation where I laughed in some sort of hysterical horror at my words. When you are the leader of a 12-step program and you keep the tools to return to your addiction under your bed and guard them as one of your most valuable possessions, you know something is wrong. It was just so absurd to realize what I was doing.

The conversation continued about the value of the shoes and how much I could make on them if I sold them online. It has been decided that my friend will hold me accountable to taking action in the next couple weeks. Instead of being put in the very back corner of my bed, they were put in the front where they would be easy to pullout and deal with. Front of the bed, front of your mind, my friend said.

As much as I plan to follow God wherever He might lead. As much as I know the money I make from the shoes could come in very handily, I cannot believe I am going to get rid of my dance shoes.

Now you say, “What is the big deal? If you wanted to start dancing again, you could just buy more.” Oh, but no I cannot. They quit making them in my size a long time ago, which is why I still have my shoes. It is time to get rid of my shoes. Oh, you better pray for me because sometime in the next few weeks, I am going to turn into a bloody mess crying about my shoes.

One last thing, God sent someone to tell me something today that no one this side of the Mississippi knew I needed encouragement about. I love it when God does things like that. And when He sends friends to help me get rid of old shoes and baggage. He is a pretty cool God.

Now I am going to go talk to God about those shoes…

Jesus replied, “All who love me will do what I say. My Father will love them, and we will come and make our home with each of them. Anyone who doesn’t love me will not obey me. And remember, my words are not my own. What I am telling you is from the Father who sent me. I am telling you these things now while I am still with you. But when the Father sends the Advocate as my representative—that is, the Holy Spirit—he will teach you everything and will remind you of everything I have told you. – John 14:23-26

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