I would have to write a thousand words if I told you about this day. I really struggled with bitterness and the old critical tapes going through my head. The tapes that play whenever someone hurts me and I do not want to feel it. I thought of how in my flesh I was the type of person who did not need anyone. No guy. No girl. I was best when doing it alone. I didn’t long for those days. I just thought about how different they were from the stories of girls around me craving to marry. I shall marry a splendid man someday. I will love him with God’s unending love till death doth us part, but it is going to be the hardest thing I have ever done.
I couldn’t kick out of the bitterness today. I tried. I prayed and every time I prayed I would just end up telling God why my life was not fair. Why these people were mean. Why I should quit. I never could do the quit part right though. I would get to this part, and a little voice would whisper, “You can’t quit. You are just beginning.” Yeah, that’s true, but I still was bitter, bitter, bitter.
Then I had an hour before step study. I have been struggling spending time with God in the afternoon. When I had to pull money from savings to live last month, I felt like God was taking away a security blanket. That insecurity made me start punishing myself. I did not deserve to spend time with God. I had not worked hard enough to make enough to deserve time with God. Isn’t that the most twisted thing you have ever heard?
So I went into my hour with God. I went over the step study lesson. It was sponsor. I am a bit annoyed I haven’t been able to find one. Tough part of the country. I have all sorts of people to speak into my life though. Strong leaders. I keep them closer than I have ever kept anyone.
Then when I had only twenty minutes left, I tried a new prayer strategy. It worked. For once I could concentrate on God and not move towards bitterness at the same time. Now if only I will discipline myself the next time this happens to pray effectively at the beginning of my day! It is all about reorienting my heart.
Then God sent me a special blessing in step study. He always does.
If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. – I Corinthians 13:1-3