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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Onward and upward

I have been thinking a lot about my conversation the other night about being “sweet and kind” versus how I used to want to be: tough, self-sufficient, hard, witty, ruthless. I wondered why I would choose a word like ruthless to describe how I used to desire to be. I don’t think I generally wanted to hurt a ton of people. I didn’t dream of being a murderer or anything. What I really wanted to do was keep myself at a good distance from actually being in any relationship emotionally, so I could ruthlessly terminate it if the person got too close, if it was in my best interest or I felt threatened.

That happened often enough back in the day. Before I gave up worshiping my idols, I said “no, thank you” to a whole lot of healthy relationships and “yes, please” to a whole lot of highly toxic ones. I just thought I needed to be in control at all costs. For the most part, I just isolated myself from all real relationships. Defense mechanisms were so helpful until I did not need them. Now they are just in my way most of the time.

Today was a really good day. I had some conversations I needed to have. I did some new things with people. I enjoyed community. I filled out my step study questions and completed my next chapter in Life’s Healing Choices. The questions for step study were fun. How have you changed since you began recovery? What relationships have changed? Which new relationships have you formed? Be specific. All of them. All of them. Lots of them. ? Okay, I was specific in the book. That was fun.

I watched three episodes of one of my favorite TV shows. I realized the reason I am drawn to the show is because certain characters remind me of people I know not because I actually like the show. I have noticed this with more shows I watch. I apparently have some sort of contorted fantasy family. Very bizarre even to myself. Because none of the characters would I want to be a part of my family!

To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory. – Isaiah 61:3

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