Hey, I did not cry last night! Isn’t that nice? Very weird. And appreciated. I am now physically sick, but today was much better than the last few days emotionally. At least I did not want to just disappear. Other than the utter exhaustion, I quite enjoyed my day. It ended with step study. Who wouldn’t enjoy that?
Next week we do the Sanity lesson for my Tuesday group. I love the Sanity lesson. That being said, do I want to list the things I am doing over and over again expecting a different result? Over the last few weeks a few things happened that I do not know if they can change. When they are “symptoms of PTSD”, do they ever go away? They must. Besides it is not like I have PTSD. I just have a few things that happen to me that are symptomatic of PTSD, but does God change those, too?
I thought He did. I was doing so much better. Then one thing today and one thing several days ago brought me right back to where I was five years ago. Not as badly, but I was there. Man, I want to be free. Do I want to be free bad enough to take the steps I need to take? I think so. I think I have finally experienced enough pain in this area of my life. I am finally ready to live through a few hours or days that are really, really painful as I face my fears instead of repressing everything week after week after week.
Anyway, I feel tremendously better tonight. I feel a bit hopeful and excited. Are the next few months of my life going to be easy? No. Absolutely not, but at least I am finally willing to start talking about things I have always been trapped in fear about.
The difference between the hard stretch I am in right now and the one last year about this time is that now I know I am loved. I do not think I can in anyway comprehend a man loving me in any type of relationship yet. I have a hard time receiving or understanding that. I do not know what to do with it. But Sunday when I sat in the park and cried and thought of knives, I knew there were women at my church who loved me. I think it is so cool that I have learned to receive the love of a woman. I believe they love me. I really, really do. That is super cool.
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. – Philippians 1:6
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