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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

On my way

I am becoming a confident woman! This afternoon for about an hour I would have said I was one, but right now I am just closer to being one than I have ever been. See, on the way home from a meeting, I realized I had lost the feeling of inconveniencing people every time they have to spend some time on me. Sometime in the last couple months, I have apparently come to realize I have something to offer. At least that is what I am assuming my revelation was.

I am really drained of energy right now. I have been for a few days. Entirely wiped. And I am spending time with God. X time even. I am glad I am busy babysitting the first four days of this week. I am too wiped to write anyway. Might as well pay my bills, which I looked in my bank account earlier today. It appears God is good at paying bills.

I think I am really stressed out from the changes going on in my life. I am learning to be more transparent about my problems, which is really helping; but I do not do well with change or with instability, which is why I have lived in four states in one year and for almost the last two years have lived more or less month to month on however God chooses to provide for me. Now granted I had some stable work, but never enough to pay my bills without the unstable income God had to provide. It is like instability has become my comfort zone. Anything more spells commitment and makes me want to run. Still somewhere in the back of my subconscious mind it the ever present awareness I am about to break a record living in one place as an adult. Don’t run, Laura, don’t run. It is okay to love and be loved.

I think I need more God time. The inventory work I did on Saturday is still rocking my world. Talk about rewriting my story. God has a way of revealing truth to do that. I might redo two more people who I haven’t redone since my inventory last year. Maybe I will gain some more freedom there also. I need to do some positive things to balance my inventory. I think this is going to be very hard for me. I have worked through the crap so much; it is going to be hard to accept all the love people have given me.

I have been studying the book of Ephesians this week. It is really good. I am sorry that I have plans to move on to another book next week. That is going to be part of my “experience plan” that my church does this year. Read one book of the Bible straight through in one sitting every week. The nice part with the short ones is I can really study them through in quiet time during the whole week. The other thing I am going to start doing is fasting. I am struggling with this. I realize I am really, really, really weak. How much weaker do I need to get?

Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. – James 4:8-10

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