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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Oh whine

For some relationships, I have an “I am done with you” switch. I don’t even want a relationship. Sometimes I just do not want to deal with it anymore. I have tried to please the person the entire time I have known them. At some point, I did everything I knew how. Now instead of quitting being a people pleaser, I have waited so long to start doing the relationship right that I do not even want it. “Go away,” I want to say.

I think it is too much work. Since when do I have the prerogative to decide how much work love should be? I am telling you recently I do not even care. Standing up for myself is too much work. Some days I want to quit. Most days I have quit. It seems to me quitting is the only fair thing to do. Ugh. I wish I had been born a professional stander-upper-for-myselfer. Uh, oh, I just “if only’d”. Somewhere in these steps I am supposed to give that up since it sticks me in a cycle of fantasizing about unreality. Oh, it’s step 1. Realize I am not God.

I just about decided to write, “Hmmm. I wonder how my life would be different if I was God and could pick it.” Now that would be wallowing. It would be making a list of reasons to be ungrateful and hate my past and my life and everyone and God. Kind of a recipe for a bad night.

Maybe I should get my step study book out and see what I am supposed to be doing right now. It’s step 11. They are making me figure out the negative patterns in my life that lead me towards relapse. Well, I can tell you one of them. Pride and isolation. So I wasn’t a math major.

Oh, my step study book says that when I get angry, I just spend hours arguing with people in my head. Well, that seems inaccurate. I added, “Quit. Throw the ‘I am done with you’ switch”. I cannot believe it has taken me so many years to get to the I want to be done with you completely emotion. Oooooh, I am such a bad person right now. Seriously? I am 29 years old and throwing an “It’s not fair” fit. Where I come from, they would say, “Build a bridge and get over it.” Well, my CR answers from yesterday say that one of the ways I prevent relapse in my life is by reading Scripture. Seems like a night I should be doing that. Ciao for now.

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly. – Colossians 3:16

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