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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

October blues

Until the last few days, I had forgotten how hard October was. How very much I hated it. I love the weather for the most part. I love the colors of fall, but I hate the month. It has been so many years since I noticed which months were the hardest for me emotionally. Honestly, the entire calendar year was so bad I did not notice a real difference. Now to look forward to January when a less emotionally-charged time of year begins.

I do not know what it was this morning, but I was teary-eyed all morning. I really had a rotten morning. That is not fair to the morning. It was just filled with an interesting set of emotions. My eyes were filled with tears, and I did not know why. I eventually went and sat in the park and did nothing for almost an hour between church and CR. I never even concentrated really on praying. I just sat there. I thought about how it was October. I thought about how much I hated October. I even vaguely wondered why I hated October and when I started hating it. Probably about the time I got saved.

Anyway, the day shaped up pretty good. I am curious to go back on this blog and see what it was like to go through step 1 the first time. This second time is rough. Nothing compared to what I went through the last time, but more than I expected. I wonder if the whole contempt/”I’m right and you’re wrong”/inward sneer thing is a defense mechanism to step 1. It is hard to be humble again with a new set of people.

I was thinking about this yesterday or the day before. It occurred to me that perhaps a defense mechanism is an attempt to protect myself against the effects of someone else’s sin by sinning against them. Except as I write that I realize often I use defense mechanisms when I fear people will sin against me not when they actually are, so it is really protecting myself from the possibility of someone sinning against me.

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” – Luke 6:37-38

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