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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

No turning back

It will work if you work it, so work it ’cause your worth it. Yeah, the twelve steps work. I am absolutely sure. Giving my life to Christ cannot not work. All the twelve steps are surrendering to Him. I am beginning to think my life would be much more enjoyable if I quit pushing myself to grow so much and relaxed a little. I keep coming back to that basic realization.

I have processed a few things today. One of them is another level of surrender to God over my book and where that may or may not take me. I greatly enjoy the writing process and will be glad to be working on my second book instead of editing my first. I have so much I would like to say through fictional characters.

I also had a conversation with my counselor about dancing. Ballroom dancing has got to be the very weirdest part of my story. One I seldom tell anymore because it is too weird and people do not understand me anyway. My counselor understands why people do not understand me. She struggles to understand it, too. How could something which should be so normal be so toxic? Then there is the natural problem that I am not good at describing my feelings. I do not know how to explain to someone what I experienced. But I know my life was absolutely horrible and I in no way ever want to go back under any circumstances ever. I know the last time I ‘slipped’ about a year and a half ago I ended up crying on my kitchen floor and wishing God was dead so I could live my life however I want. I know whatever emotional attachment I have to ballroom dancing it is a really bad one. I know sometimes I wonder if I would still fall so hard if I tried it again – just a few steps. But the memory of it all is so horrible that I do not want to put myself emotionally back in that place. I do not want to test my sobriety. I do not want to be the addict who says, “Let’s see if I can handle just one now.” I don’t want to test the waters.

I may not know all the technical terms for everything I have experienced in my life. I may not know the best ways to describe it, but I know I was a slave to dancing. I did not rule over it, it ruled over me. I know I am super thankful it is in my past. The longer I walk with Jesus the less I ever want to dance again. When I came to Jersey, I promised God I would never dance again unless He gave me specific directions to do so. For the first year or so, I hoped I could dance again someday. Slowly I have changed. Now I hope I never dance again. I never want to test the waters to see if something which was once so toxic is now healthy. I don’t want to walk that line. So I lay it at the foot of the cross. Jesus can have it, too.

For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. – 2 Corinthians 7:10

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