Today was a really good day! I practiced being excited. I practiced having a backbone. I practiced having fun.
I am listening to a song by Kim Walker Smith that says “I never want to go back to my old life.” After the conversation I have been having for the last few days, I am absolutely sure I do not want to go back to my old ways either. Not ever. What I used to think were dreams and goals and achievements seem like ashes. I think they are ashes.
I don’t think doing the same things I used to dream of are ashes for all people, but I know they were for me. I could not serve God in them. The only one I saw or promoted was myself. Even in all my insecurity, I only thought of myself. That old lie, “What? I am not proud! I am incredibly insecure. All I do is worry about what people think and what I look like. I have no confidence. I am scared.” Ugh, no, I was selfish and proud that is why I cared what people thought. When I began to lose my selfishness and self-promotion, I gained confidence.
I still care what people think of me to some extent. But what they think of me doesn’t change my identity anymore. It might hurt my feelings sometimes. But I can live with that.
This afternoon was Large Group and Open Share, and it was amazing. I shared about an unblogable struggle, but my celebration is a bit blogable. I celebrated that people I was afraid of only a few months ago I am now genuinely excited to see come into a room. I would say most of the time I am excited to see them come in a room. I am starting to feel surrounded by friends and family instead of people I should shy away from. That is a huge celebration!
By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. – John 13:35