I have noticed something over the past few days. I am actually starting to suffer from anxiety physically. To the best of my knowledge, I have never done this before. Friday and Saturday my anxiety came from doing the first part of my inventory. I also am experiencing anxiety from four of the six roles I have in jobs or ministry changing. I also have noticed that me changing means my relationships will change. Another stress factor.
Today I was texting a friend, and I was feeling really frustrated. Frustrated with who I am and how I act and why I act and how I treat people. I just wanted to text her, “Look, if you knew what happened to me, you would know I had the right to act this way.” I thought about how few would ever actually know what had happened to me and I figured they would probably not understand anyway fully how I had felt.
Somewhere in all my rage, I stopped and realized there was One who did know exactly what I had experienced because He had seen it. He was there for it and remembered. He knew better than I what had happened and how much it had hurt me. While it might be the cliche answer to say, “God knows”, I found it very comforting. My day was able to take a bit of a different perspective. I wondered why I had never looked to Him as the source of my vulnerability before. If I am going to be vulnerable, Someone is going to have to protect me and make me feel safe. I hope I remember He knows and understands. Maybe if I can abide in His love, I will not be so worried if I do not receive everyone else’s.
Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. – John 15:4
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