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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

My pain causes Him pain

Everything is awesome, and it really is. I just had nonCR small group. It was amazing. These are the women who keep me sane. I am so thankful for a place where I am not being super transparent. Only a little transparent. It is crazy to think some of them have been in my life for almost two years now. It is crazy to think I have lived somewhere for two years. Give it another six months, and it is my record living in one place since being an adult. Here is to putting down roots and building relationships!

I had my morning quiet time in the middle of the day today due to unforeseeable circumstances. It actually made for a really nice day. Maybe I should add some time with God at noon in my day.

I think becoming transparent about certain sins and temptations has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I finally can quit hiding and start living. I feel like I have been truly living for the first time in my life in the last week and a half. Just being. I have had anxiety, but not overwhelming fear. I have faced a lot of tough conversations in all aspects of my life. I have many more to go. I am learning to voice dissenting opinions and concerns. In some of the conversations other people get to have the voice. I have left people answer questions about my greatest weaknesses that could harm my ministry if my leadership and I are not aware of them. I am trying to learn to truly listen. It really is a struggle for me. I generally can only remember to do so for about a third of the conversation.

This life is amazing. I am so glad I get to live it.

Today I had a wake up call about the way I am viewing my recovery and the way I look at my past and the remnants of my past in my current day-to-day life. I am forgetting to ask how God sees the situation. I am not forgetting to go to Him with it. I am just forgetting to ask Him to change my perspective to see the situation like He sees it. For example, because certain things happened to me when I was a child, I came to the belief that I was not worthy of love or protection. The truth is those things that happened to me made God weep. They caused Him pain, too. I often forget that when I am in pain, God is also in pain because He is my dad. That is what good dads do. They hurt when their kids hurt.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and shun evil. This will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones. – Proverbs 3:5-8

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