I think I am just a wimp. I cannot decide what is making me more exhausted – what I am doing now or trying to figure out what I have to get done by Thursday. I did not have x time today. I might have x time tomorrow. I am amazed at how quickly I feel like I am starving/deprived. I just got done spending time trying to tune into Him and I am too wound up to calm down and hear Him.
I read a lot of The Call to Discipleship by Dietrich Bonhoeffer today. I need to finish it in the next few days for school. It is not exactly a book one wants to rush through. Then I switched to reviewing articles by feminists about gender equality in the church. Now that is a change of topic and argument styles. The first is all about obeying Jesus; the second was generally about using statistics or reason to prove a point. Just stick with what the Bible teaches, people, if you want me to hear what you have to say! I had time to finish that paper tonight, but I could not face another off-base argument. How did I choose such dreadfully off-base articles anyway? I got stuck with analyzing the absurd. Ugh.
Recovery… I was just going to say recovery has been quiet lately; but it really hasn’t at all. I am not used to the new way recovery looks. I am living now. I know I keep saying this every couple months, but now I am sure of it. I am living. I am exhausted, but I am alive. I am doing too much, but I am alive.
I am so afraid of doing step four again. The hard questions do not come for another few weeks, but how many times do I have to learn more humbling things about my character? Every time I do this, I get to see more objective truth. This time I want to dig deeper than I ever have. That means the “who I have hurt” list will be much truer. It will be harder to face. I won’t be able to stomach looking at myself on paper. Balanced inventory? Yeah, right! The only thing I have done right in my life is decide to follow Jesus and give my life to Him. Everything else is ashes. I am so terrified and tired.
But my God never fails!
‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty. – Zechariah 4:6
A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places. Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared. In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere. – Ephesians 6:10-18
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