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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

My faith in grace: is God willing to use His power?

I have been studying the book of Romans. (This may come as a surprise to many of you.) As I have studied, I noticed something didn’t quite feel right about its truth interacting in my daily life. I was getting the concept of grace, but still I had an uneasy feeling there was a tremendous gap between what I knew in my head and what I saw playing out in my life.

I couldn’t tell you where this gap was or what it looked like. I just knew it was there. This past week in my church’s small group, we were asked whether we believed God was holding our sins against us. I struggled to articulate an answer. I live under grace more now than I ever have before, but something still seems fearfully wrong in my worldview and lifestyle. I am still pretty sure based on the way I act and feel, I believe God is mad at me quite often. I believe in His grace and love enough to go to Him in my weakest moments, but I don’t know if I believe in it enough to say I actually live like I believe in it.

I find it an impossible question to answer well. Do you believe in grace? Yes, BUT based on the way I act, I am not all that sure about my actual confidence in God’s grace or the leading of His Spirit.

On Friday I was pondering the contents of this article as I went about my day. I know I believe my God has the power to fulfill His promises, but I am not sure whether I believe God is willing to fulfill His promises. Sometimes based on my actions and emotions, I think I believe that God is very passive aggressive. “Now you have it; now you don’t. Now you see Me; now you won’t. I just want to see you cry.” Which would be a really evil God. Really, really evil. I know intellectually that God is not like that, but my actions and emotional approach to life seem to tell another story.

Then in the middle of my pondering, I had an aha moment. Finally I figured out how I was not applying His grace in my life. I figured out why some days were an emotional nightmare. I believed in grace when it came to the forgiveness of my sin, but I was not carrying the concept over to the way God delivered on His promises.

When it came to His promises, I lived in fear God would yank away what He had promised to deliver. This led to me living in constant emotional turmoil as I tried to act as though I believed His promises. I was terrified that though He had the power, perhaps He had no willingness to follow through on His word. Honestly, half of the battle was with my pride. What if I lived like what God had promised me was true, and then He just left me hanging and looking stupid. People do that kind of thing. Would God?

Basically, I lived my life consciously and subconsciously wondering, “What do I have to do to make this promise of God come true? Would this mistake screw it up? Did that mistake already screw it up? What if He didn’t mean what He said anyway?” I can tell you right now. That is a truly awful way to live. It really hinders the amount of peace I have and how I am able to love other people.

I genuinely have come to believe that nothing can separate me from His love. I have had opportunities in the last few weeks to experience this truth as I never have before. I am safe in my relationship with Him, completely and entirely safe. But apparently I don’t believe His promises are a part of that safety?

In any case, I am grateful I can finally explain the tension I feel in my life about whether I believe in grace. I finally know what I need to bring to God for Him to fix in my heart. The next time I am asked, “Do you believe in grace?”, may my YES be bigger and my but be smaller. (Now to decide whether I should rewrite that sentence!)

Do you believe God is about to punish you by taking away what is good in your life? Is God counting your sins against you? Do you count the sins of others against them? Do you live like you believe in grace?

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