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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Moving forward…

I wish I had something profound to say. It seems like it is a time when people should say profound things. I do not have anything profound to say. I did have a really amazing day. I even had an amazing night. Generally, I never have problems with sleeping, but I woke up several times last night just hoping it was further into January, so I would know what was going to happen in January. Apparently, I have insomnia because I am too excited to sleep. I brought in 2014 with nightmares, and it goes out with excitement being why I lose sleep. Though to be fair, I still have the occasional nightmare.

There was another big difference between today and the beginning of the year. I brought in the year with a lot of inner turmoil. Anger, bitterness, jealousy, fear, anxiety, contempt. The year goes out much more quietly. Today I couldn’t drum up those inner feelings if I tried, especially not against those in authority over me. Experiencing love is so much better than fearing it.

There is all kinds of growth I need to have in 2015. I am more excited about some of it than I am about other parts. I am going to have to learn how to confront more. I suppose what I really have to learn is to love enough to be willing to confront. One should not lead a 12-step program if they are unwilling to confront people!

I am going to have to be willing to have x time with God. (X time is what I call the amount of time I need with God to live a sane, balanced life. It is what I need to stay emotionally sober and live productively. I struggle to spend this much time with Him. Especially because when I start living more and more on the edge, my need for this goes dramatically up. January is going to be lived on the edge.)

I want to learn to be humble enough to have x time. It often frustrates me that I am such a spiritual wimp that I need it. The American idea of productivity gets in the way of scheduling sufficient time for prayer, meditation and reading scripture. I live in fear of people asking how much time I spend doing such things. Why should I have to admit this ever? I do not want to appear anymore spiritually handicapped than I already am. In 2015 my character to change in a way that makes me glad to depend more on God instead of being embarrassed to do so.

I want to write my first novel. I want to develop my first leader. I want to learn to be content in my financial position. I want to continue to make amends in a couple dozen relationships. I want to continue to be teachable.

But I don’t really have a new year’s resolution. Those are all things I would want to do anyway. I want 2015 to be just like 2014. Not the same events. Not the same growth. Not the same people. But with the same momentum. I want to keep growing and changing with the same intensity. I want to learn how to hangout and just have fun with people. I generally only have intentional fun. It has to develop a relationship or be somehow productive or I spaz out. I want to just relax and have fun.

I want to start fasting again. I quit the week I did my x time challenge a couple months ago. It is good to focus on God. And last but not least, I would like the hooligans I am babysitting to fall asleep. Goodness, but I am already!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

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