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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Mixed emotion

I am so excited for my week! I had a bit of a rough morning. I didn’t want to get out of bed when it was time to do so. I went over my lesson for this afternoon this morning. I always have to do this in order to remember what I am supposed to teach about in the afternoon. Between that and the shoe thing from last night, I was emotionally exhausted by the time I arrived at church. Honestly, I didn’t want to be exhausted at all, I wanted to be really, really excited and celebratory. So I sat on my chair and remembered something.

Church didn’t stress me out anymore. The people around me didn’t stress me out anymore. They love me and support me, and I feel loved and supported. I remembered if I just reached out for love, I would find it. I remembered all I had to do was sit and soak in the experience and pray for those around me and communicate with God. So that is what I did. The longer the day went on, the better I felt. Only a few short weeks ago, church drained me and it wasn’t until everyone was gone except the CR people that my day had any chance of looking up.

Today’s Open Share question was “What recent victories do you have to share with the newcomer?” At first I was so sad because I was like, “I don’t have anything to share with a newcomer that is new. I keep telling everyone everything. All I can do is repeat things I already have celebrated.” Then I realized my whole day at church was a celebration.

When I was helping teardown the church service before setting up for CR, one of the guys joked to me something about me just waiting for them to leave, being ready to kick them all out. It was on account of something I was picking up or something. I sort of wondered if he knew that was generally true of prior experiences. It took me sometime to realize I am pretty sure this is the first Sunday I would have been totally cool if the church people just stayed! I didn’t mind. In fact, I was sort of sad to see them go. Also I had two conversations today at church I would have been entirely unable to have in that environment three months ago, so it turned out to be really easy to talk about recent victories!

I really am having such a good day I do not want to go to sleep. I simply cannot wait until tomorrow. I am caught in some weird place loving the present too much to even want to go to sleep and being so excited about tomorrow I would love it to just come quicker! It is nice to be excited. I am so excited. I don’t think until these last few weeks I knew the definition of excitement. This is nice.

I shared the dance shoe story with a lot of people today. I have enough accountability now to keep anyone in line. Last night before bed, I almost just went out and put them in my dumpster, so I could be done with it. But then, why not make a few hundred bucks?

In general, it all just makes me want to cry. I never plan on dancing again. I haven’t for some time. I never think about my shoes. They were in the back of my bed and in the back of my mind.

But I think a part of me hopes I might dance again. The thought of what it was in my life makes me want to vomit. It revolts me. But a part of me wishes those people who say heal and then dance again were right. I do not think they are. I followed dancing to my end. Dancing was my alcoholism. There is no halfway. There is no reason. There is nothing good in it. Nothing good has come out of it. I sowed death and reaped death. It just feels so much like saying goodbye to an old lover. The relationship was toxic. It was hell. It hurt, but on some level… Okay, I cannot explain it. Dancing has always made promises and never kept them. She promised me happiness and gave me destruction. She said good would come and my life became ashes. Why on any level is it hard to say goodbye to death?

I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. – Galatians 2:20

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