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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Mistress of denial

It occurred to me this evening that I am a master of denial. Then it occurred to me that I am female, so would that make me a mistress of denial? The first sounds like I am really good at it. The second more like I am sleeping with it. Sorry, in appropriate joke. But I am really good at denial. So am I going to tell you why I came to this conclusion today? Probably not. I have been really good at denial for years. I called it by different names though. I have had a fantastic ability to pretend facts I know are true are not true. I found it a great coping mechanism to get through a lot of relationships and tough conversations in my past. Just block out truth for the next hour, day or in some cases, several years. Yup, denial is my enemy, and I have been sleeping with her.

I read Galatians today. I have read/heard Galatians so many times in my life it is almost white noise for me. It is for freedom that Christ has set is free. I bet if I look on iTunes it is on my top 50 playlist. In any case, I am going to have to put my phone on airplane mode and try to read it in different versions this week. I hate using my phone in quiet time. Too distracting even if it is on silent.

I had a pretty good sabbath. I did some chores and am currently babysitting for a date night. I wish I could say it was relaxing, but the babies both wailed for an hour past their bedtime. What is up with that? I made the focus of my day the Word. The Word always helps me unwind. I even brought my paper Bible along babysitting. I decided to start fasting video and TV on Saturdays. It makes me a little sad, but I have a terrible habit of watching too much TV on my sabbath. I hate the noise of it, but once I put it on I tend to keep it on. Ugh.

Over the course of the day, I came to the conclusion that all of the “scared” feeling I was processing last night was that I am worried I will not like being without my walls. It started this morning when I looked in the mirror and wondered if just maybe I was not worried whether other people will like me, but whether I will like me. Other people seem plenty happy to see the walls coming down around me. I am honestly not too worried they will reject me. I am more worried how I will respond when they accept me. Love is not easily accepted by me.

This process is making me deal with a lot of voices from my past. The voices that caused me to suppress who I was. When I am in my safe places acting like myself, even if we are all talking and laughing, I hear voices from my past correcting who I am. I can feel myself start to withdraw from the group when that happens. With my walls up, I never had to deal with all the things these voices said. It is going to be a lot of work over the next while to learn to love myself without walls. I want to live without walls. It is a good thing.

Anyway, I am sure He who began the good work in me will be faithful to complete it.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who then is the one who condemns? No one. Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,k neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. – Romans 8:31-39


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