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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Memorization: Your Word I have hidden in my heart

This week has been one of those infamous weeks in my life during which I decided to quit following Jesus. This happens to me occasionally. About three years ago, I went through two weeks of not believing there was a God. That’s interesting when you are in theory leading a Christian small group. “I have a confession to make: I don’t believe in God.” That’s a little awkward. My friends found it a little unbelievable.

This week I decided to quit. I am at a point in my life where I can’t honestly and truly say I don’t believe there is a God. If I want to rebel, I must simply (or actually very complicatedly) decide to walk away from what I know is true and pure and holy. I must walk away from what I know is the Source of Life.

I’d love to say it all started on Tuesday night, but part of me thinks I have actually been planning this rebellion for years. It just exploded on Tuesday, and I had a meltdown. I eventually had my evening time with Jesus because as I said to a human friend, “If I don’t, we may all regret this.” I spent some time with Him – mostly ignoring He was there. I went to bed knowing I still didn’t want to follow Him or care what truth was.

I woke up. I didn’t want to follow Him, but I decided I did want to live in truth. I had my morning time with Him, during which I meditated on the book of Romans for the first time in a week. I had set aside this daily meditation because someone had the audacity to imply that perhaps I had the wrong motivation for all the Scripture memorization I had been doing.

In spite of this morning time with Him, I decided I no longer needed to practice my daily rhythms. I decided that was all I needed for the day. Nonetheless by 1:30, my spirit within me could no longer ignore that I was two hours late in talking to my Savior again. I showed up to tell Him that I was no longer going to follow Him. I continued my meditation on the book of Romans. Slowly He began to comfort my heart, but I still did not want to follow Him. I had my evening time with Him. Once again, I bravely meditated on Scripture I had memorized. I went to sleep.

I woke. I still didn’t want to follow Him, but I knew I wanted to experience Him that day. I meditated on Scripture. I met with Him morning, noon and night. I still didn’t want to follow Him.

I woke up this morning. I wanted to experience Him today, but knew I absolutely did not want to follow Jesus tomorrow. I just don’t like where He leads. I meditated on Scripture. I worked. I came back and meditated on Scripture. Constantly I prayed telling Him the condition of my heart. Almost to my great annoyance, today He has given me much peace. As I write this, I still don’t want to follow Him tomorrow; but my spirits longs to meet with Him tonight to once again meditate on Scripture.

I’ve learned some things through this experience.

  1. I should never let what people say about my motivations get me to stop doing what God has asked me to do.

  2. I don’t have a very long memory. I am extremely handicapped in this regard. Maybe some people don’t have to memorize and meditate, but I do. I don’t just have to do it once a week. I need to do it at least three times a day. I’m incredibly broken. I have absolutely no hope if I don’t rehearse truth over and over again. It doesn’t take me very long to run like the wind from who He is and the greatness of His grace.

  3. I have come a long way since I decided to follow Him with every fiber of my being five and a half years ago, but I will never have come so far as to make it safe to quit pressing closer and closer to His heart.

  4. I have also decided I have discovered a new definition of a “rhythm”. When I have a rhythm established in my life and it has become a habit, then even when my brain actively decides to quit following and I have made a decision to break the rhythm, my spirit and His Spirit within me will be so strong that I must show up at the appointed time if for no other reason to tell Him that I am quitting.

I wish I could tell you that I want to follow Jesus this evening as I write this, but I don’t. I want to experience His presence today. I want His peace. I want His Spirit. I want Him to be alive in me. But I also know I don’t want to follow where He is leading tomorrow. But I also know that tomorrow I will also want to experience His presence. I will want His peace. I will want His Spirit strong in me. The dance of our eternal romance will continue strong and sure longer than time endures.

What calls you back to Him when the way is so hard that you no longer want to walk it? Is His Word hidden in your heart? What do you fall back on when you know you are in desperate need of a reality check?

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