I had an extremely small amount of anxiety today. Especially for a Friday. I did procrastinate packing for my Mexico mission trip until the last minute, so I still have to wrap that up before bed tonight.
It is really hard on my pride to work through my trust issues with men and Christian leadership. I probably have trust issues with all leadership.
One of the open share group questions tonight was about integrity. “Do you feel sometimes you are putting on a front or pretending?” I put on a front almost every time there is a man in the room. I am growing. I am now able to tell myself truth in the moment. I did not used to be able to do this.
I am really thankful God gives me so many second chances. I have a hard time not looking at my issues with men as silly and trivial. Why can’t my heart and emotions get past what my head has? Why can’t I trust them? Or at least trust that the ones who are trusting God are trusting God?
Another question was about our unrealistic expectations of ourselves. Yes, I have an unrealistic expectation of myself. I should be past this!! By now I should have figured out life and be nearly perfect. :/
But I am growing. I did not have near as much anxiety last Friday and I had almost none today. It did not go away magically. A couple weeks ago, I blogged about being angry at God about talking to me about fasting because I “was not sure I wanted to focus on Him that much!” I have started to fast and pray on Thursday, and I am no longer paralyzed with fear half of my work day on Friday. It is a quite normal day as a matter of fact. Drawing nigh to God is always worth it. I have no idea why half the time I have to convince myself to do it. I think it is because I fear change. Drawing nigh to God always changes me.
Okay, I will be out of the country and out of range of internet access for the next week. I will be journaling on paper or my cellphone until I get back and will post my week in Mexico then. ¡Me encanta mi vida loca!
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. – Ecclesiastes 3:11