Saturday – 12:10 am
I am exhausted. If I am honest with myself, it has been a really hard 2015. Good and hard. It has been a week full of emotion. A day even fuller.
This morning I realized something as if for the first time that I have known for years. It is always so intimidating to me when God begins to fulfill visions and promises in a way I can see it on my end. It scares me because I always realize how unprepared I am. How insufficient I am. How non-deserving I am. This morning I experienced praise and awe.
At noon I sat down to have time to connect with God. I started out praying and bringing my focus to connecting with Him. “I am to you to [something like be in Your presence] not manipulate You,” I began. My voice broke, and I started to sob because I knew it was not true. The only reason I was spending time with God then was so I could survive my day. I simply was scared not to. I cried awhile. The timer was set, just like it always is. When it rang, I ignored it and reset it. At lunch I enjoyed my time with God. For once it was about love not desperation.
Over the last week, I have realized much of my relationship with God is motivated by a fear of walking away from Him again. Of losing everything I have.
Then tonight I had a lovely time with a group of female leaders from my church. During meditation and prayer time, I realized I have an enormous area of denial in my life. I keep not facing the truth about how hard SSA is and how much my writing is taking out of me. I cannot believe I am only a third of the way done. I realized I better start respecting my limits.
And oh yeah! I am getting sick…
“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” – John 14:1-4