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  • Writer's pictureLaura Kae

Makes Him sad

Saturday – 10:00 pm

Today I had absolutely no problem being excited. None whatsoever. I am excited about every single part of my life except the area I think God seems to be starting to talk to me about starting to do things I think are unChristian. But I am becoming more open to listening to His ideas in this area.

I didn’t eat until noon today. It was about this time that it occurred to me that eating is becoming an issue again in my life. Or rather not eating is becoming an issue again in my life. Stress does this to me. My habits have been getting really bad and I quit eating enough. Then I get discouraged because I am not eating enough, so I give up and eat even less because I am not going to be able to win anyway. So when I realized this, I reached out to a friend and I have managed to eat right the rest of the day. Good times.

I worked a good portion of the day since I had a sabbath yesterday. Throughout the day I thought more about sin. It seems to be the theme of this week. I wondered why I have such a hard time calling the unacceptable ways I act in relationships sin. There are a lot of ways I relate to people, which I would say are entirely unhealthy, broken and twisted. At times the way I treat people is 100% entirely unacceptable behavior. I am okay with saying that, but admitting it is a sin seems harder for me.

I also thought about humility today because the answers I filled out for step study questions were about humility (willingness to take the lowest position, gentleness, teachability, willingness to teach others). It is also something I think about quite a bit because of everything in my life which forces me to choose between being teachable and failing. I came to the conclusion that a lifestyle of humility would be a powerful antidote to every sinful habit within me.

I also observed every time I begin to feel insecure I become less teachable. My mind begins to close and I start to cling to what I know instead of embracing ideas and input from others. I used to struggle with this a lot on one of my babysitting jobs. Every time before I stepped through the door, I just prayed for God to help me be teachable. I am thinking about doing this when I enter church offices. Maybe it will take away some of the fear factor. At least it will help me focus on learning and being open minded. Not necessarily the way I feel going into a situation where I am afraid.

I have also processed a lot of thinking about trust this week. Over the last few months I have come to a conclusion that I put into words today. When a trigger is tripped, I best not attack the trigger tripper but instead go running to God. People can try to avoid tripping my triggers, but only God can heal them. He is also the only one I can experience that kind of intense emotion with without it seriously injuring the relationship. I wonder how it makes God feel when I cuss at Him? I bet it makes Him sad. I love Psalm 139:23-24 in Today’s Living Bible translation.

Search me, O God, and know my heart: test my thoughts. Point out anything in me that makes you sad, and lead me along the path of everlasting life. – Psalm 139:23-24

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